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Does your relationship need a reset?

Falling in love can be described as euphoria or intense happiness but it is completely normal for it not to last. As time passes our love can evolve and mature. Relationships take time and effort to last long term. Sometimes we need a full-on reset. The first way we can do that is by understanding ourselves and our partners more.

“The journey into self-love and self-acceptance must begin with self-examination… until you take the journey of self-reflection, it is almost impossible to grow or learn in life.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant.’

I love this quote. It shows the importance of self-reflection. This work can be difficult but without looking into our weaknesses we cannot improve or grow as individuals.

One way to get started with self-reflection is by using the Enneagram.

The enneagram takes its name from the Greek words for nine(ennea) and a drawing or figure(gram).’It is essentially 9 types of personalities but if you dig deep, it’s so much more.

In the book ‘Road back to You, an Enneagram Journey to Self-discovery’-Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile explain that ‘working with the enneagram helps people develop the kind of self-knowledge they need to understand who they are and why they see and relate to the world the way they do’

Cron names the types as:

  1. The perfectionist
  2. The helper
  3. The performer
  4. The romantic
  5. The investigator
  6. The loyalist
  7. The enthusiast
  8. The challenger
  9. The peacemaker

Suzanne explains in her work that these numbers are divided into 3 triads. The triads are the heart or feeling triad (2, 3, 4). The head or fear triad (5, 6, 7) and the gut or anger triad (8, 9, 1)

To figure out what number you are she recommends learning about each number rather than doing a quick quiz.

Learning our enneagram can help us find rewarding work. What I have seen over the last 10 years working with burnt-out moms is that we change when we become mothers. Our brains change and our bodies change. But then we are surprised when we don’t bounce back or fit into the same life. Often this looks like leaving careers or jobs that worked before kids but no longer do once we are mothers.

Another way to give your relationship a kickstart is to learn your Love languages.

I remember first reading the book by Gary Chapman. It was recommended to us (my now husband and I) during pre-marital counselling. The website has tons of resources and quizzes to check out. ‘The premise of The 5 Love Languages® book is quite simple: different people with different personalities give and receive love in different ways. By learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and your loved ones, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, connect more profoundly, and truly begin to grow closer.’

Words of affirmation

Quality time

Physical touch

Acts of service

Receiving gifts

Attachment styles are another way to help us understand ourselves and what we need to work on.

The attachment project explains “According to psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, one’s bond with their primary caregivers during childhood has an overarching influence on their future social and intimate relationships–and even their relationships at work. In other words, this early bond creates a template or rules for how you build and interpret relationships as an adult.’ Check out more here.

Thais Gibson is not only an attachment style Expert but also a best-selling author. Her podcast interview on The Mel Robbins Podcast is a MUST Listen! I love how she explains the core wounds, limiting beliefs, and needs of each type.

The four attachment styles

  1. Anxious (also referred to as Preoccupied). Core wound: fear of abandonment. Needs: They need consistency and certainty in relationships. This person needs to work on boundaries and possible people-pleasing habits. They need to be seen and heard and ask themselves “What are my needs? ” regularly.
  2. Avoidant (also referred to as Dismissive). Core wound: they are defective or shameful. They are sensitive to criticism. The avoidant type may self soothe through anything but connection, this can look like mindless scrolling, eating and other coping mechanisms. Limiting belief: They can struggle with feeling inadequate or that they do not belong causing them to withdraw and retreat. Needs: They can prosper with reassurance. This type responds negatively to negative feedback and does better in supportive and empathetic environments.
  3. Disorganized (also referred to as Fearful-Avoidant) Core wound: This child grows up in chaos. The core wounds can combine both avoidant and preoccupied. Trust can be a huge issue, and they put everyone else first, at their detriment.

The goal is to do the work necessary to get to a secure attachment style which is the fourth type.

These patterns are conditioned into us in childhood but can be transformed into secure attachment through neuroplasticity. Thais’s history with addiction pushed her to research the subconscious and in essence our core wounds.

The Harvard Business Review did 10 separate investigations with nearly 5,000 participants. They examined what self-awareness is, why we need it, and how we can increase it. They stated that when we see ourselves clearly, we are not only more creative and confident, but we also build stronger relationships. 

We deserve to live happy, regulated, connected lives.

Check out my podcast where we dive deep into Burnout Recovery for exhausted and overwhelmed moms

You don’t need to do this alone. Join our tribe here and get your Burnout Recovery Guide below

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