I am a Burnout Coach for moms but am I a parenting expert? No way, Why? Because I am so far from perfect. Malcolm Gladwell’s famous “10,000-hour rule,” popularized in his 2008 book Outliers: The Story of Success, states that roughly 10,000 hours of dedicated, “deliberate practice” is required to achieve world-class mastery in any field” 10 000 hours is a huge chunk of time. As mothers, we live in seasons. The season I am in right now is a complicated one. I am caring for 2 kids and a sick husband. My life looks very different to what it did 6 months ago. That is just part of life! To adjust, to reprioritize and to re-focus. It’s not so much how much time we have and more about making sure we include the things that we love into our lives.
I normally focus on Mom Burnout, but Burnout can affect all of us, even our Kids.
It’s not surprising that there is a type of burnout I didn’t know about: PDA burnout.
According to Additutemag.com “children with PDA have extremely reactive nervous systems that prime them to interpret requests and expectations as threats. Alongside this pressure-sensitivity lies an intense need for equity and autonomy.’
On the ‘At peace parents podcast,’ Casey Ehrlich, PhD, explains how PDA disables basic needs. She explains that one may be stickier; in other words, they may struggle with one specific need in particular. She describes these basic needs toileting , safety, hygiene , eating and sleeping.
According to Casey ‘ Burnout occurs when a person reaches a window of tolerance, which includes basic needs ‘All four can be involved. She explains that when in burnout, a person cannot process rational info, connect or learn.
My son experienced this after we moved. Moving is flipping hard, but moving countries with kids is life changing. So, when my little family moved from Joburg, South Africa to California. I expected there would be an adjustment period, but what I didn’t expect though, was my son hitting burnout. At the time, I didn’t have the language or knowledge to realise that is what it was.
My son already had an ADHD diagnosis
And we were really lucky with trying medication, He responded very quickly and very well to it. I still knew what something was missing. I think it’s important to remember that all medications have side effects and for my son the medication increased his anxiety. However, the anxiety plus the move seemed like too much for him.
What I have realised since learning more about PDA is that there are both internalized and externalized presentations. Both come from the same root (an intense anxiety-driven need to resist demands), but they look very different on the outside. My daughter tends to externalize. Which was easier in some ways to pinpoint (or to confuse with ODD). With the internal presentation it is very common, to overlook this presentation. As it can look like exhaustion, refusing things they used to do easily, irritability, shutting down meltdowns, increased anxiety and procrastination. This is how my son presented at this time.
What worked for us?
I tried building in recovery time after school. A low demand time to decompress. I have also (started) to change the way I look at my expectations. Specifically with education. My mindset has definitely changed. In the past, I would have pushed the school’s agenda. I have these memories of trying to do homework with my son, in first and second grade. It was horrible. He hated it, I hated it and it caused so much stress for both of us. Was it worth it? Probably not.
Burnout is unique and looks different for all of us! The goal for us is to get out of burnout to observe, learn, and process. With PDA, stress is cumulative. When the body tries to recover, it can look like ‘equalizing’ and can useing avoidant strategies like freezing.
Honestly, I just thought that my daughter was just a difficult kid. A kind, funny, unique kid that sometimes had demanding and controlling behavior. Through the use of the PDA lense I can now appreciate her love of role play and playing pretend, i can understand that her meltdowns were not her being ‘difficult’ but rather due to her nervous system disability. The awareness that expectations can also be demands and may cause dysregulation. Even small things, like being greeted with ‘hi’ or pushing them to say ‘thank you,’ can trigger reactions helps me to understand that my decisions will either activate her or wont.
Discipline and traditional parenting styles are also part of the conversation.
The PDA lens may feel super tricky at times because it differs so much from what society expects.
Shame is a common feeling with having neuro-divergent kids. As moms we put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves. That’s why we need to talk about this, as Brene brown says “Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. “That is why I think he focus should be on connection rather than compliance.
Need help creating your own Burnout Recovery Plan? Check out my podcast where we dive deep into Burnout Recovery for exhausted and overwhelmed moms
You don’t need to do this alone. Join our tribe here and get your Burnout Recovery Guide below
M x