Have you ever heard of RSD? What is it all about? Cleveland clinic describes RSD as “a severe emotional pain caused by failure or feeling rejected.” Even though RSD is not in the DSM 5, this strong, painful experience, is something many people with ADHD experience.
Emotional regulation was probably the most difficult aspect of ADHD that I dealt with growing up. I was called ‘over-sensitive’ a lot and well, I was. Understanding what rejection sensitivity is, as an adult, was incredibly helpful for me. I could finally understand why people struggled to understand my big emotions. I can now (as an adult) also embrace the fact, that I feel so deeply and care so much, as my ‘superpower.’ Before all that transpired I had to get to rock bottom (more about an important burnout moment) in order to see a therapist who diagnosed me with anxiety and then eventually a psychiatrist for medication. Who realised my anxiety was linked to my hormones (PMDD. )
I had been aware of depression,
I struggled with pre-natal depression. But anxiety? I thought that was just who I was. Someone who worries. Or was I just highly strung? Medline plus says that ‘anxiety is a feeling of fear, dread, and uneasiness.’ Isn’t anxiety just genetics? Well yes , I may have received some of my anxiety from my mother but other factors like stress, environment, and trauma may also have played a role.
One way people try to ‘control’ their rejection sensitivity is through masking. By hiding their true personality/ traits in order to fit in. ( to avoid rejection). A problem that often comes with masking, is the potential Burnout. We sometimes see this at life altering events, like going to college, or high school where the demand for executive function skills increasing to a point where it is hard to function like before. For women specifically, we can also see this happen in times where hormones shift in our body. Pubity, pregnancy and peri-menopause can expose nuero-divergence in women. It’s exhausting pretending you are something, you are not.
My daughter use to have a complete meltdowns after coming home from school. She was exhausted , overwhelmed and not OK. When checking in with her teacher, the feedback was that she was fine in class (or was she masking to get through the day.) That was until 2nd grade. Getting curious about this behavior helped me understand that she needed more support at school. I also learnt that she needed a snack and time to decompress before even thinking about homework or an after-school activity. I think it’s important to remember that we have to find what works for our own unique families and quite often that may not be the norm.
Masking, can also teach you,
that you’re not good enough, this Complex Trauma, (’exposure to various and multiple traumatic events ‘) Sharon Saline calls ‘a thousand little paper cuts a day.’ We see this in schools everyday. The constant rejection for not “fitting in” with society’s expectations. How can we expect these kids to function, when they cannot feel safe just being themselves.
Sometimes we become perfectionists,
Avoiding the potential pain of failure, paralyzed by doing anything new or not perfect. Think of all that extra energy that takes, trying to be perfect. This exhaustion can also lead to burnout.
Sometimes we become people pleasers. Psychcentral.com explains these ‘behaviors that are often exhibited by individuals who fear abandonment from others.’ Janice Burt talks about people pleasing as a ‘drug of choice.’ She needs to constantly be on herself to stay in recovery and not fall into this trap. Many people pleasers also avoid conflict at any cost.
What can we do?
Tracy Otsouka interviewed Nina Padilla, a 23-year-old ER nurse about RSD on the podcast ADHD for Smart Ass Women. She said that she was so tired of how RSD was controlling her life that she used ‘exposure therapy’ to take her control back.
Another thing to remember when struggling with RSD is self-compassion. Kirsten Ness, a self-compassion expert, believes that by giving ourselves awareness, in the moment of negative situation, helps us. By having awareness about what emotions we are feeling helps us understand them and validates those emotions,
Self-love is everything. You matter! Your ideas matter! You are enough as is, right now, as you are.
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