In order to know what our non-negotiables are, we need to first know and understand ourselves. We need to know our strengths and weaknesses. I like to focus on strengths first. I remember watching a commercial that said ‘if you have a daughter that is struggling with maths but loves and excels at ballet, instead of getting a math tutor rather invest in dance lessons. ‘I love this. Honestly, the more we focus on our interests and passions, the more creative and happier we can be.
Unfortunately, we can’t completely ignore our weaknesses either.
Having an awareness for our limitations can tell us a lot about our personalities. By understanding what we struggle with we can establish where boundaries need to be set. For me, I can feel it in my body when I have overextended myself. I have worked really hard to recognise the feelings that come up for me. Awareness is the first step, recognising, ‘that situation ‘, may not have gone as well as it could have and then we can then start thinking what needs to change.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author explains that it is our job to hold the boundary and once that is boundary is set, it needs to be kept. Consistency is key. Why Children Need Boundaries: A Guide For Parents | Nurtured First explains boundaries in parenting ‘Boundaries are clear, consistent limits set with love and respect. They’re not about controlling your child or squashing their spirit. Instead, they’re about guiding them and keeping them safe as they learn to navigate the complex world around them.
Dr Lori also says we need to focus on the quality of relationships instead of quantity and the science agrees. Check out more about her work here. She reminds us ‘that no one is perfect and that we cannot order a partner a le carte. ‘In picking a life partner or even a close friend its values that really matter. Maybe it’s time to think about what values really matter to you?
Life is always changing and evolving
As Brene Brown says in her podcast interview with Glennon Doyle ‘Where there is change, there is grief. ‘Boundaries are all about change. So, dealing with grief is very real part of building boundaries too. Becoming a parent and specifically a mom, involves a lot of change. There is also a lot of unknown, as much as we can discuss what we would like our boundaries to look like, it takes time and compromise to actually establish them.
I love the kids show Bluey. I was watching an episode with my daughter the other day, titled ‘Moms and Dads’. It was all about roles and responsibilities in the family and what was ‘right.’ It was such a great opportunity to chat to Lily (my daughter) about the fact that there was no wrong or right but more about what works for YOUR family. We also chatted about division of responsibility and how important clear communication is.
In her Tedtalk Nedra Glover Tawab says it takes courage to tell our loved ones, what we want. She says that one of her best boundaries she ever set is, when she takes on something new, she removes something else. There is only so much time in the day. By taking on more, it doesn’t automatically get more done.
Boundaries with ourselves are so important and can play a huge role in recovering from and managing burnout.
As a recovering people-pleaser myself, I absolutely deep-dived into Home – Neha Sangwan, MD‘s work. Dr Neha describes people pleasing as “the moment you give up what matters to you, to appease someone else.’ Looking into her past she realised that her people-pleasing stemmed from a childhood trauma and in turn, the need for belonging and connection. Tiny Buddha says that ‘people-pleasing is often about control. It’s rooted in your need to try and boost our own self-esteem, avoid conflict, and manipulate the environment into what we need it to be, to feel at ease.’ The body is designed to seek pleasure and to avoid pain (for survival) so it makes sense that pleasing can come from wanting to avoid discomfort.
Resentment can be a huge red flag when we overcommit. I love the quote by Nelson Mandela “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Tiny Buddha says that ‘Resentment is what happens when we stuff or suppress that anger down.
But can people-pleasing actually make you physically sick?
Dr Neha says that when we suppress or stuff down feelings it can. We all deserve to live happy, regulated, connected lives. That starts with boundaries and clear communication.
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